The best way to explain this will always be from this little essay I wrote when I was fourteen for my MySpace profile. I tend to tweak it from time to time but it still suits my feelings very well. Here you go.
Hate me, love me, I don’t care; I’ll love you from the start to the end. I’ve been stepped on, crushed, and used as an insult dartboard. My morals have been ripped out of me and stuffed into others as if they were theirs in the first place. I’m one of those really nice people who people just want to kick around for the fun of it but would be too shy to make something of it. You’ll probably take everything I love and turn it into the latest trend that you’ll follow. Also, I’m the friend that you’ll “forget” to call when you’re all hanging out or the one you thought “was busy already”. I’m done taking my time to worry about what all of you think about me. All of you who are out to get me and those who want nothing but the best for me, I love you. You want me to hate you? I’ll hate you with love. Too nice for my own good? Definitely. My story won’t matter to you, so I won’t write it down; just know that I’ve experienced way too much in eighteen years, but it needed to happen. And like anyone else, I’m still learning the ropes to this thing called ‘living’.
I’m the farthest thing from what you’d call “cool”. I don’t go hanging out all over New York, go club hopping like I see so many kids doing these days, or go out very often in general. I don’t smoke, do drugs, or drink besides the very rare sip of something when adults are around. Most of my life is spent in the house with no one wanting to talk to me, or acknowledge me the least. Because of it, my self esteem is lower than the heel on your flats. Hah, get it? I’m not striving for attention; if people want to notice me, let them. I can be as silent as your shadow. I’m just here. If you want to notice me, you’re in for something special once you get to know me.
People constantly come to me for advice. Take me seriously and I’ll always be there to help, despite who you may be or despite what you might have to say. My arms are open to anyone whenever they need them. I’m not lying when I say I’ve saved lives and helped people get out of what they thought were the stickiest situations. I was able to overcome my own problems with some help, and ever since I’ve been great with talking to people about absolutely anything that could be bothering them. Never judge me by my age, I’m still making a difference. Come to me and I’ll do my best to help you with whatever you want to throw at me; I would love to brighten your day.
Sometimes I get way too poetic with things. But with me, if I can bring color to a statement, I feel that it’s expressed a lot better. I can be very artistic at times. I enjoy video blogging to get my messages and ideas out there and I also like graphic designing. There are a lot of things on my mind that never leave, and sometimes there are things that shouldn’t have ever left my lips. We all make mistakes, and we all make efforts; that’s what makes the world go ‘round.
My personality varies: I can be an extremely expressive person or I can be one emotionless blur in the room. You can sometimes see me wearing what your parents would say aren’t “normal” clothes and I won’t say a word to be disrespectful like the average kid who will act fake to your face. The simple things a person can do for me tend to make me smile. Basically, I appreciate every single thing I have in my life, even if it isn’t much. I don’t need all the material items on the market to make me happy, though they would be cool to have. But thank God for downloading music, hah. My Chemical Romance is my favorite band for too many reasons to list. Call me “emo” for it, I really don’t care; stereotypes make me laugh at this point. One day I’ll have everything I want because I’m going to work my way up to that.
Love is a funny topic with me considering I talk about it and give so many people advice on it and yet I’m still single myself. I’m not looking for a relationship just to be in one; I’m an honest person with values and a longing.
Something that drives me insane is someone who copies every single move a person makes. The whole point of being a human being is realizing that even though we are all the same, we are all different people with different ideas and morals. I don’t tolerate people who learn things from me and flaunt them like it’s the coolest thing they thought up all on their own. I’m huge on individuality, and if you’re unique, I’ll be really pleased. I’m not asking you to create your own culture, but something different and interesting is always great… but you shouldn’t be changing yourself for me anyway. I’d love to meet a lot of completely different people and I’d love to get to know them.
I’m actually an extremely respectful person even though most people don’t see it. I have a tendency to come off as mean sometimes because of my facial expressions, but I’m just really shy and intimidated by everyone. Embarassment is something I fear to no end, so thats why I tend to keep my mouth shut a lot. Paranoia’s got the best of me. Rejection kills me, so I don’t like to make an effort just to break an effort. In other words, I’m much more comfortable when people come to me first instead of vice versa I can either be a wackjob good time or a fly on the wall, it all depends on how comfortable you make me feel around you.
If you’re a kind person, I would love to get to know you. Homophobia, racism, and sexism are things I don’t appreciate. Also, I’m not into how everything is a beauty contest in this world. So if you’re still interested in what I have to say, start up a conversation with me; and if you have any questions feel free to ask them.
I don’t bite, and I’m more than willing to make new friends. Always.
I’ve been all talk until now, but I’ve kept a solid idea in mind: I want to help people. And I may still be young but it’s finally happening. I feel as if this is the right time to start, and if I start this early, who knows where I’ll be a few years from now. But the main point of all this is that I want to give back, which is ironic since life hasn’t thrown me much besides being blessed to know a few great people. I want to show you that you don’t need to be the first person to receive goodness to give it to people. To the ones who name-call on the internet until their fingers get stiff: I love you. To the ones who want to see me succeed and support me in my effort to help everyone: I love you even more. All of what I’m going to do is to show you how there are still some people out there who care, even when you don’t. Every life is precious, and we all take that for granted once and a while (guilty as charged). I want to be the person who gets that spirit back inside you. I want to be the reason you’re living the way you are. We’re in this together; by helping you guys, you’re helping me without even doing anything. What I’m doing is a simple win-win, and I want you to be a part of it.
If you ever need someone to talk to, come to me. If you ever need someone to listen to you babble on about things ‘no one else wants to listen to’, come to me. And if you ever need advice on anything, please, please come to me.
I provide several ways of contacting me on this page. Please do so if you have any trouble. I am ALWAYS willing to listen to anyone, no matter what you have on your mind.
~ Much love, Kristen. <3